


memories of a loved one

by bernejemi



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Break Up, Character Death, Deathfic, Depression, Grief/Mourning, Heavy Angst, I'm Sorry, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Minor Huang Ren Jun/Na Jaemin, Minor Lee Jeno/Na Jaemin, References to Depression, Sad, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Texting, Triggers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-15
Updated: 2018-09-15
Packaged: 2019-07-12 20:05:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,222
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16002329
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bernejemi/pseuds/bernejemi
Summary: "are you reading, hyuckie? i miss you"





	memories of a loved one

**Author's Note:**

  * A translation of [memórias](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/417899) by bernejemi. 



> please, please, PLEASE read the tags before reading the story. please. i dont want to trigger anyone with this work, which was written during a depressive crisis. it's heavy. really heavy. please be aware  
> since this is a texting fanfic, each paragraph is a new text  
> i could've written this as a twitter au, but... its better like this, i think. anyways, timestamps arent important at all  
> the original, untranslated piece is a taeten fanfic, but, since it's my work, i change whatever i want  
> i didn't really reread it because... its hard yknow. @ me if you find any mistakes
> 
> edit: ilEFT SOME PTBR PARTS HERE N THERE im so so so sorry for this oh m god

**_April 26th, 2012 - 03:48 PM_ **

i finally bought that hoodie you always wanted. you know, the black one with tiny gray details?

i still remember you saving every single penny to buy it, and how stressed you were because there was too much left to buy the expensive piece of fabric

you always dressed in a fashionable way, no wonder why you wanted to buy something from that brand

you would be so pretty wearing it

 

**_May 3rd, 2012 - 03:17 AM_ **

i can’t sleep because my mind is way too disturbed with thoughts of you. i think your warm embrace is the only thing that can calm me down right now

you used to say that 3AM is the witching time or something like that, because it's the time that spirits and demons appear intensely. wonder if there's a spooky ghost watching me right now...

please, don’t stare at me anymore. i’m.. i'm too ugly

when will you come back? i wanna see you, darling

 

**_May 3rd, 2012 - 7:59 PM_ **

today, after leaving work, i visited the place where we met

i mean, what used to be the place of our first date, at least, because now is a nightclub

we never went there together after that day, and i really want to go there with you to see if there's something left of the small library where you used to work

i still remember how pretty you looked with that greeny uniform when i asked you help to find a book

god, donghyuck, you’re so pretty. how did you fell for someone like me?

 

**_May 28th, 2012 - 10:32 AM_ **

i'm thinking about dying my hair blue, even though you always said i would look like a smurf

you kept annoying me, even after i said that i could dye it black if it looked ugly, but you always managed to change my mind

you used to say that you would shave your head if i dyed it, and we would be the most ridiculous couple ever

i think i won't dye at all. for you

you know, i dont wanna see you bald

 

**_June 6th, 2012 - 12:01 AM_ **

happy birthday, my love. i.. i dont have money to buy you a gift…. ive been spending it with

with drinks

i'm sorry, i'm so sorry

i promised i would stop drinking

shit, i'm so sorry. i love you so much, i’ll try to stop drinking again

happy birthday

i love you, and i'm sorry

 

**_June 15th, 2012 - 5:57 PM_ **

i'm going out with jaemin today. i know you never liked him, but i need to talk with someone while youre away

hyuckie… youre taking too long to come back

i know youre afraid of me cheating you with him, because he was my first love

i would never.

you’ll ALWAYS be the one that my heart desires, even on our next reincarnation

because fate will always bring us together

i swear, i’ll only talk to him. love you, darling, and only you

 

**_June 15th, 4:22 AM_ **

jesus christ dobghyuck i mss you so mcyh, i just want to hodl your hjand afgain i just want to kiss you to hg you acgain i love you so much i love you

i'm sorryh i'm drnk i cant stopp drjnking at all pelase forihginve me

i loge gou i mss you yoire ythe love of my life

i wantt you hbere cudfdling with me screaming at me for beign drunk

i'm sos rory i broekj the promise i'm soryr i promsied iwont dirnk bum i drank i'm durnk i'm fucking drunk imsosorry i always disapppojnted you that msut be wihy you left nme iwts my fault it's myhg fcukgin fautl

i'm soryr i'm so sorry i love yoj so much

i'm gong to bed right now., visit me oin my draems a tleast

please

i'm sorry

i lvoeiyou and i awlays willlove ou

 

**_June 28th, 8:33 PM_ **

i got fired. i dont know what to do… i dont have money to pay the bills and for the rent of our tiny apartment

i could sell your stuff, though, but i'm not insane

you would probably break me in half when you come back

the only thing that makes me insane is how much i miss you

i..,. i think i’ll move in to jenos and jaemins house. i'm sorry

 

**_August 19th, 2012 - 10:44 AM_ **

 

uhghhh i'm so sorry. i didn't mean to stop sending you texts, but i'm way too busy nowadays

i'm still jobless, but i'm helping jaemin with his. i'm trying to sell his books while he writes new ones

and, since i'm not working, i clean the house and help jeno on cooking because the boy is a mess without jaemin helping him

they didn’t ask me to do this, dont worry. i'm doing it as a payback for all the things they’re doing for me

theyre paying therapy sessions for me, by the way. it's been… months

since i tried to kill myself

my therapist said i have severe depression and insomnia. i'm… i'm really bad, hyuckie. but i'm trying, for you

please, could you come back? for me?

 

**_September 2nd, 2012 - 9:35 AM_ **

it's been a week since the last time i ate something. i'm only leaving my room to go to the toilet

taeyong, my therapist, is calling me like crazy

wonder if he thinks i killed myself. i have to go there three times a week

jeno broke up with jaemin. we both are suffering

he isnt talking to me anymore, i dont even know if hes still living here

i dont know if he’s... living

i’ll look for him tomorrow morning, because i have to sleep right now

ive spent the whole night up thinking about you

 

**_September 3rd, 2012 - 10:05 AM_ **

jaemin is good, as good as someone who just broke up could be

he quit his job as a writer and now he’s training like crazy to audition to this agency. his mom is sending us money, and i'm feeling really bad for it

but! at least i stopped drinking. now my drug is your book collection, i keep reading them

you even have a book that jaemin wrote, i thought you hated him

when i get tired of reading, i look at pics of you

soon… soon itll be a whole year since the last time i saw you

i miss you, and i love you

 

**_September 29th, 2012 - 11:11 PM_ **

was going to send you a text, and look at the time! time for wishes.

i wish you right here

i wish to hug you

i wish i could turn back time just to see you again

i… i wish you, donghyuck

i wish i could see your smile once again

i wish to hear you screaming at me over ridiculous things ive done

i even wish your fights back. i miss even that…

i wish i could hear your voice

i wish you back

shit, it's 11:13

i think my wishes will never come true, haha

love you lots, hyuckie, and only God knows how much i miss your touch

  


**_December 2nd, 2012 - 8:47 AM_ **

i… i simply stopped sending you texts again

anyways… i got a job!! but it's a full time one, and i'm only sending you this rn because i got a free day

i leave to work at 6am and only come back at 8pm or so. i'm not even talking to jaemin due this fucking schedule that’s slowly killing me

if you were here, i would be capable of going through it, because your smile makes everything worthy

my depression pills aren't working anymore, hyuckie

i hope youre alright, at least

 

**_December 25th, 2012 - 4:22 PM_ **

happy Christmas, love! i'm currently watching that move you love while texting you. you know? the one about 10 things

i cant remember its name though...

anyways, jaemin got a new boyfriend, hes called renjun, theyre cooking together. it's funny because renjun keeps cursing in chinese when he mess up something

hes pretty cool, you know. he… he bought me a michael jackson cd, your idol

we used to dance together to his songs, and i still remember that our first kiss was while we were listening to thriller

which is kinda funny, tbh

i wish i bought you something, but i couldnt find anything you liked. can my love for you be your gift?

i dont think so, aha

sorry

happy Christmas

 

**_January 2nd, 2013 - 8:46 PM_ **

i remember that your biggest dream was to become a singer

your voice is so pretty, so so so pretty

i miss hearing you singing cheesy songs to me, and i remember how nervous you was when you tried to audition for this agence

i'm still really confused. why would they refuse you? youre the most talented person ive ever seen!

your voice is so pretty, just like you

and, while your dreams were high, i only dreamed with staying by your side forever

neither of them came true.

 

**_January 26th, 2013 - 12:00 AM_ **

it's been a year.

_AUDIO ATTACHED_

 

“It’s been a year already, I can’t even believe.” Mark sighed “A year that you left me, and five since we started dating” His voice was cracking, “I’ll never understand the reason why you’ve done that. Was it my fault? You could’ve talked to me… You know I would do anything to make you happy, even trying to make a chicken bark just to make you laugh. Just to… keep you alive.” A sob. “I can’t… I can’t see a rope without start crying, Hyuckie. You know how weird is to a whole ass adult to cry when seeing little children jumping rope? It's really weird” He sadly chuckled. “I didn't dare to throw any of your things away, not even that ridiculous collection of plastic bottles. I-I’ve made a collage with all your pics… all- all of them, and hanged-” A loud, painful sob. “P-Put it on the corridor of Jaemin’s house, because I… the last thing I want is to people to forget your light. Renjun… Renjun- he keeps asking about you, who are you- who was you. I…” Mark sighed, trying to muffle the sound of his sob “I  say that you’re- you was my boyfriend, then… he always ask when we broke up, and that’s when Jaemin saves me from breaking down in tears, because he always calls Renjun to help him with something” He made tiny stop, sobbing loudly “You… You’ll always- always, forever, ever. You- you’re here. You’ll always be here. Alive. In my- my- my h-heart-” He tried to say more things, but he wasn’t capable of doing so. Because all that could be heard was a desperate crying, and it was necessary a long stop to him to calm down. “I- I never- never went to your- I never visited your... grave. I- I was at the funeral, but your mom had to calm me down. I… I just couldn’t stop crying. I was crying like if you died. Because… you did. You- It’s hard to… to try to be happy again. It’ll be even harder if- if i… if i see your name engraved in a- headstone. It’ll be hard. It’ll be hard, hyuck.” He sighed, suddenly crying even harder “I- I always wear your clothes when I sleep. Always. Always. Always. Since that day… since you-” A loud sob “This- this one I’m w-wearing right now, though, I never- never wore before. It- Oh my God… Hyuck- It- It stills smells like y-you.” A long stop, the longest, the most painful “I-I can still smell your sweet scent… Hyuck. I-I would do anything for you to come back, even- even if i was the one… in your place. I wish, I wish you were here- a-alive… I… It’s the thing I want the most. You alive, here, with me, holding my- my hand. I would give anything to have you back, to listen to your voice- for one more time- to say that I love you for the last- last time, to say goodbye to you- to make you feel loved- to kiss you for the last time” He… he just couldn’t stop sobbing, it was hard to understand the words said in-between sobs “Hyuck… I- I don’t know if i can’t take it anymore… but I’ll try. For you. I’ll try, which is funny, because you didn’t try for me. But- I love you more than anything. And I know you loved me too… I know. I love you, I’ll try for you, I’ll take this pain for you. For you, for you-you for you… I want to to be with you, I really want to. But I’ll try. I’ll try. I swear to you. I’ll try. I love you more than anything, and the pain that keeps burning my chest after this year without you is the solid proof of my- love. My love for you is something... that no one can measure.” He sighed, once again “I wish I could grow old with you, but I can’t, not anymore… but you’ll always be my love, my number one. On life… or death.”

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> tbh i cried when i first wrote this, and almost cried while translating. still, it's my favorite piece for sure  
> i dont know when i'll have the guts of translating the second one, but i will. someday  
> dont worry.


End file.
